She’s a Ten!

“We’ll start him with an ugly girl to boost his confidence, like start with a girl whose like a 4”.

That sentence ended a friendship. It wasn’t something that was said to me, but by a female friend who was talking about setting our mutual friend up with a “starter girl”, you know a girl who’s not meant to for you to find love with, just a girl whose meant to be used as a pawn to boost the confidence of a shy guy. And this got me thinking

What is it about todays youth that makes it okay to say things like this? Is that all we girls are, just some number on a scale that defines the type of girl we will be? The type of attention and love we deserve. Did our parents see us as babies after birth and assign a ranking number to us that would forever follow us around and define us? Why are all of our attributes, the things that make us who we are, all summed up in an imaginary number that’s only tied to our outward appearance? So you can’t love her for all of her qualities that maybe you might enjoy being around because she’s just a 4? I’ve never understood this whole she’s a 10, she’s a 9 ranking system for how attractive a person can be. Is that all that attracts you? I mean yes, the cake has to look good enough for you to want to see how it tastes, I get that. But after awhile are you going to be done with that cake after one slice because it wasn’t THAT good looking? Like what if it was the best damn cake you’ve ever had, but the frosting wasn’t perfect, or one of the strawberries was askew. You’re done with it because of that?

My point is, after awhile looks really don’t matter. Ask anyone is a long term relationship. I’ve been with my guy for almost 3 years. We have lived together for 2 1/2 years (yes we moved in together rather quickly I know). In the beginning I was always trying to look my best, I shaved my legs to the point where my boyfriend NEVER saw my legs with hair on them. I always had make-up on, I always wore my best outfits. Now, we live together, my boyfriend see’s me at my worst. My ‘I haven’t shaved all winter’ legs, my morning breath, my messy hair, my old t-shirts, my bare blemished face, HE SEE’S ALL MY FLAWS, and I his. What keeps our relationship going is the content of our characters, and ultimately the content of our relationship. I was originally attracted to him for his personality, and of course his looks. But I stayed for the personality. I’m in love with who he is, and I stay for that reason. One day were both gonna be old and gross, but that wonderful personally won’t age. Looks really aren’t everything, and if your relationship is just based on looks, what and empty relationship it will be.

If all you see when you look at a girl is a number, you’ll miss out on the girls who are real gems. The ones with kind souls, who have so much to offer, who can be loved, and will love in return. What a life of sadness you’ll know, because how sad is that, to view people as an object, to be ranked and used for cruel practices (like a ‘practice girl’ to boost someones confidence to go after the catch of a girl- a 10!).Because apparently only the hottest of girls deserve love and attention. If you need a ‘practice girl’ to boost your confidence, you’ll never deserve the girls that will love you for who you are, and who would make you happy. You’ll never deserve a real girl.

And ladies, why do we participate in this? Why do we judge other women? Why? I have never looked at a girl and thought less of her because of some arbitrary number that society told me she has to be. All women are beautiful, we aren’t a number. And if you think we are, than you sweetie, you’re a zero. Because someone who thinks like this, and categorizes women like this, you’re truly the ugliest of them all.



Why post a journal online for anyone to read? Why not keep it hidden so no one can know what a weirdo you are? But my question is why not?

We live in a world where social media is a place to present our best selves. Where we only post the best pics to our insta accounts, after choosing the right one, adding filters, color adjustments and trendy captions/hashtags. Where our snapchats aren’t of real life but only when we are doing something exciting and want others to see. Sometimes we may post things that may seem relatable like #Lazygirlprobs attached to a picture of a pile of laundry. But for the most part, no one seems to be real online these days. Thats not a bad thing, I mean who wouldn’t want to present their best selves, make their lives seem more exciting, or make themselves seem more trendy.  We only see the good going on in others lives, which can make some of us feel like everyone else has a more meaningful, more fulfilling life than us.

But thats just not life. Life has no pretty filters, its not always trendy. For me when I see how perfect everyones lives seem, I feel like it makes mine seem so incredibly uninteresting, like I’m just a loser with nothing going for them. I see how great everything is going for everyone else and feel like my life is just a meaningless mess.

I want others to see this blog, and relate to how real it is. The stories I will tell are real, unfiltered. They aren’t going to be perfect, they will make me seem like I need to get my shit together. But no matter how perfect someones life may seem on social media, chances are its just not as it seems. Look passed the screen and see it for what it is.

My life isn’t perfect. I feel like even when I post online its not going to get as many likes as my friends content. I know my snap story won’t be as interesting as my friends. But it will be real.

We all live in this false illusion of perfectness. And it’s all bullshit. We all need to be fulfilled by something, and sometimes presenting ourselves in this unauthentic way makes us feel some kind of fulfillment. Like if others think you’re life is perfect; you’ll feel better about it. Sometimes it’s a hard task not to feel shitty about your own un-perfect life,when you are constantly flooded with images of what you’d assume are what fulfills other people’s lives. Whats important is what fulfills you. Even now I struggle to feel like my life has meaning, I feel like I’m not really succeeding; I’m still searching for fulfillment.

This journal will serve as a chronicle of my search for fulfillment, in my most honest and authentic form. My stories won’t always have happy endings; or always have some greater meaning. But they will be steps in a path that will hopefully lead me to both. I hope to gain more self love, and a more positive outlook and understanding on life. If no one reads, thats okay too; because this is my outlet to guide myself to a place of love and fulfillment.

So follow along with me, and maybe we can find fulfillment together.